PART 7
I saw his obituary in a newspaper.
I packed my bag and started driving home.
I reached San Diego on the morning of the funeral.
I parked across from the church.
I saw you step from a car wearing a black dress. You looked smaller than I remembered.
I opened my door.
Then I saw 2 police cars parked nearby.
They were there because so many people were attending the funeral, but I believed they were waiting for me.
I drove away.
For years, I told myself I had been afraid of arrest.
The truth is that I was afraid to see your face.
I returned to San Diego again 4 years later.
I found your apartment and sat across the street for almost 3 hours.
I had written you a letter.
It was in my coat pocket.
When you came home carrying groceries, I stepped out of the car.
Then you stopped to speak to a neighbor.
I heard you say, “My son is dead to me.”
You had every right to say it.
But I returned to my car and left without knocking.
When Lily was 6, I tried again.
I had already contacted an attorney who told me there was no active warrant. She believed the evidence from Westline’s civil case showed that Colin had deceived me.
I could have come home.
I drove as far as your street.
Then I imagined being arrested anyway. I imagined Lily losing her father. I imagined you refusing to see me.
I left again.
Every time I failed to knock, the next attempt became harder.
My absence was not 1 decision that lasted 25 years.
It was thousands of smaller decisions.
Every morning, I could have told the truth.
Every morning, I chose another day of silence.
Colin lied to me, but he did not force me to open the safe.
He did not force me to leave the funeral.
He did not force me to sit outside your home and drive away.
Those choices were mine.
I found construction work and began saving.
At 1st, I set aside only a few dollars at a time.
Later, I learned the trade, formed a company, and earned more than I ever expected.
Every time I considered buying something unnecessary, I saw Dad’s labeled envelopes.
So I kept saving.
Lily was born 3 years after I left.
Her mother moved away when Lily was 4, and I raised her alone.
She became the best part of my life.
I lied to her about you because telling her the truth would have forced me to face it myself.
That was another cowardly decision.
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